The heart of a stranger..

Do you know what lonely means? I made some online searches and found this in wikipedia: "describes a human state or feeling involving isolation, or the feeling of disconnection with others, etc".. which does not exactly explains how I feel. I have friends whom I always talk to, or a bf I see everyday, but I don't have someone to share my deepest worries, or the sad things I feel about.

I lie on my bed sometimes after a cry and thought about dying.

I wanna listen to sad songs but none can be my song.

I wanna text someone to tell him I'm sad but I pull myself back and tell myself it's not going to be better.

Why do I feel like this? So much things in my head.

Yesterday I thought about my grandma who just passed away few months ago. I was wondering how she would be like now. I was thinking about how her nails will look like it is still growing after her death, but actually it's just her corpse is drying and shriking that's why her nails looks like it's still growing. I didn't even realize that I was crying..

I remember few days after she passed away I asked my mom, "were you sad when your mother passed away?" and she told me she was, she didn't have anybody to turn to, if she have questions anymore. And now she just have to rely on herself. But as I was really sad during those days, other people arehappy and enjoying their life. "How could this happen, when my life is upside down?" I asked myself..

I feel really sad. I still miss her and I think about her and I dream about her.

****

Nowadays, I come back to a foreign house. A place just for me to stay, it's not my home. And I despise this place.

I want to sing! I want to play guitar! I want to dance! I want to laugh before I sleep! And I want to laugh first thing in the morning!

But all I have is my room..

Sometimes I end up driving at night.. And as I pass the street lights, and the neon green lights of a signboard on a building, I feel strangely exhilarated. Makes me forget. And I blast the radio. The last I did that was a few days ago where I went driving for almost 2 hours.

For once, I would like to stop loving people other than my own self. For once I don't want to care. I want to stop caring about my family, my bf, my friends, the sick children, the dying old lady, the dead, the animals.

I'm tired and nobody cares about me.

I wanna dance when someone dies. I wanna drink when they leave. I wanna sing when you cry. For once I wanna feel how other people feel, when they're not sad..