Just myself

I think I'm losing it already.

But I'm tired of complaining and feeling sorry for myself. I should just let things go. Should it come back, or just fade, I'll let time decide. Right now, I'm too tired to talk about it..

The heart of a stranger..

Do you know what lonely means? I made some online searches and found this in wikipedia: "describes a human state or feeling involving isolation, or the feeling of disconnection with others, etc".. which does not exactly explains how I feel. I have friends whom I always talk to, or a bf I see everyday, but I don't have someone to share my deepest worries, or the sad things I feel about.

I lie on my bed sometimes after a cry and thought about dying.

I wanna listen to sad songs but none can be my song.

I wanna text someone to tell him I'm sad but I pull myself back and tell myself it's not going to be better.

Why do I feel like this? So much things in my head.

Yesterday I thought about my grandma who just passed away few months ago. I was wondering how she would be like now. I was thinking about how her nails will look like it is still growing after her death, but actually it's just her corpse is drying and shriking that's why her nails looks like it's still growing. I didn't even realize that I was crying..

I remember few days after she passed away I asked my mom, "were you sad when your mother passed away?" and she told me she was, she didn't have anybody to turn to, if she have questions anymore. And now she just have to rely on herself. But as I was really sad during those days, other people arehappy and enjoying their life. "How could this happen, when my life is upside down?" I asked myself..

I feel really sad. I still miss her and I think about her and I dream about her.

****

Nowadays, I come back to a foreign house. A place just for me to stay, it's not my home. And I despise this place.

I want to sing! I want to play guitar! I want to dance! I want to laugh before I sleep! And I want to laugh first thing in the morning!

But all I have is my room..

Sometimes I end up driving at night.. And as I pass the street lights, and the neon green lights of a signboard on a building, I feel strangely exhilarated. Makes me forget. And I blast the radio. The last I did that was a few days ago where I went driving for almost 2 hours.

For once, I would like to stop loving people other than my own self. For once I don't want to care. I want to stop caring about my family, my bf, my friends, the sick children, the dying old lady, the dead, the animals.

I'm tired and nobody cares about me.

I wanna dance when someone dies. I wanna drink when they leave. I wanna sing when you cry. For once I wanna feel how other people feel, when they're not sad..

Another one.. LMAO..

Oooh.. another one..

Russell's birthday was on the 1st of April, but aunty Belle had his party yesterday atas sebab, only weekends can people attend the party hehehe.. And this year's party theme is: Thomas the Train, SOOO cuuuteee..

Look at the cake!! It's Thomas the Train!! I should've taken the pic from the front angle, whoever made this must be a genius!

The party started at 6 p.m. and ended around 11 p.m. but we only went back after 3 a.m. cause the men were talking and drinking non stop. Well, except Jason who was sleeping on the floor. Satish my love, Leonard, Uncle George and Uncle Ravi had cans of beers and was talking about everything. Like Satish said, it's easier to ask what he didn't talk about, hahaha.

And today, I and Satish had pork mee.. OMG, the taste, the texture, it's just so satisfying. Nuff said.

One day we shall go together, and you'll taste this God's gift to human life soup, yum.. It's extraordinary..

Love y'all..

A masquerade

What if you bf is a playboy?

What if your bf is not a playboy but a flirt?

What if your bf admires all the other girls he sees, "damn she's hot!" how would that make you feel about yourself? **Wow, am I that plain? How come he never look at me like that?**

What if your bf is loving and understanding but not caring?

What if he makes fun of you to have something to laugh about with your family, even though it hurts your feeling, he's now accepted among your family?

And how would you feel if he said you were wrong when you made funny faces when your family said "wow, serious relationship now huh?"

So, why was it right for your bf to make fun about you and tell embarrassing untrue stories, because it was a joke for him and it made your family laugh, and was wrong when you made funny faces when your family made comments about your relationship?

What if for almost all the while you've been together you've said "sorry" or "yes I'm wrong" or "yes it's all my fault" when he's only done that not more than 5 times, even though you know you deserve an apology?

Why was it OK if your bf forgets your anniversary, wished only after you wished during a fight, and ended the day in a hurtful way, and still remembers to call his so called best-girl-friend before he goes to sleep to ask things about her?

Do you wish things were different? Do you wish you were someone else? Do you wish you were single?

Sometimes people stay in a relationship in hope that one day things will change to the better.. They wish they can accept the things they can't accept now.. They hope their partner would change.. They hope their self will change.

What is mental and emotional abuse? Do you lie awake trying to sleep trying to ignore your bleeding heart? Do you want to breakup but can't and wish to death that your partner will do it? Do you cry at night wondering why they're so angry? Do you blame yourself for loving him? Do you hate that other girl? Can you go on like this for the rest of your life? Why do we all end up being in love and stupid? It's either we're clingy, or just sensitive, or our feelings are completely ignored, then there's the bias between trying to build rapport by embarrassing you and you being wrong because you made funny faces at your bf when your family made comments about him.. Either way, you always lose.

You lose because you're always wrong in an argument

You lose because it's right to be embarrassed when it's to build a relationship with your family

You lose because it's not nice to embarrass your bf in front of your family

You lose because that is who you have chosen to be with and you have to live with the insecurities, the "jokes", the woman around him.

Be content with the love and understanding, even though he's not caring. Be content that he has roving eyes but not roving hands and p*nis. Well, not really sure about the hands part though..

And if he's angry, just say you're sorry even though you know you shouldn't, because it's always your fault. Make yourself busy, don't bother to remind them about important dates, if they forget, it's because they have other things to think about. And yes, if you don't go out on a date anymore, it's because dating with other people is much much more fun than with you. Don't be sad, he'll still spend time with you, it's just that he'll have fun with other "friends".

Try and love him for who he is, even though it hurts to the very core of your soul. I know you want to leave and I know the reason why you're still here. You'd like to fix things, and you'd like to wait until you get use to it. For now, just cry yourself to sleep, quietly. Tomorrow, when you see him, put on a mask, the brave face you call it. Try your best. Sooner or later, both of you have to decide what you actually want in this relationship.

Good luck.

Wear a mask on a masquerade

~melodramatic~

Everybody's busy being healthy and forgets their promises...

Sad Bird

~Business Plan.. Woot!!~

Hey boys and gayls,

Another day with little-miss-trouble. Check out my blog layout, cute ay? Thanks to my faithful and gorgeous best friend Miss Maika, I'm a complete hopeless in this kind of things.. Get free blog template at Birdie Says.

Anyways, I was just reading her blog a while ago and she was talking about our business plan. Haha.. All because of my friend Trecy's new contact lens business. Oh for those who wants to buy colored contact lenses, here's her link, please click here.

So yeah, we've decided to make an online business, where the soul purpose is to cut cost for and to have wider market. But the thing is, what should we sell? Maika said cloths would be good. But there's so many online business now selling cloths. And plus we need suppliers who can sell us in bundles and we need it to be cheap.And so many other obstacles in front of us URGH.. I suggested to launch our business by END of this year but Maika said too long to wait.. Huumm..

Things to think about:

1) What type of business?
Suggestion so far: Clothing

2) Where to buy?
Suggestion so far: Bandung or Sg. Wang (Haha!!)

3) How much capital?
Suggestion so far: RM200-300

4) When to start?
Suggestion: Mid of the year or END of the year..

5) Constraints
Only me as I'm going to Bali next month and I can't commit too much capital!!! Broke gila..


What should I do? What should we do?

I suggested to sell 10 different styles of clothing for our 1st tryout and only get more orders after that.. Hmm, lets see how our business plan goes. Any suppliers out there who can give us a quote?

Whoops!! While blogging I was also doing some supplier search and found these, what do u think Miss Maika?

• Free Market (But it says in the web page buatan Malaysia.. nuff said..)
• Korean Clothes Wholesale
• Trade key
• Alibaba-Global Trade Starts Here

Ika, can you check theses suppliers? Should we go and survey ourselves and pick our own cloths or what? Ngaahh... Duunnooo...

To be continued and updated with more ideas and suggestions and trouble..

Love y'all..

Help me make some beauty decision plleasssee..

I need a facial treatment, and I'm desperate...

I've been going to one few months ago with my cousin Jason in one of this beauty centre in IOI Mall. It's a 1+1 facial treatment for acne and sinus but I can't see any improvement for the 5 treatments I went there plus she didn't really do a good job cleaning my face as she'll leave white heads on my nose and I'll end up squeezing them myself. So I stopped... And so there starts my skin problem. My face is almost covered by small bumps that you've got to feel with your own hands to notice they're there. I tried squeezing them but they keep coming back and I'm afraid I'll spoil my face.. huuuhh *shudder*.

My skin's really rough around the side of my face especially on the cheekbone

My best friend just stated going to Beubelle once or twice I think and I don't wanna jump straight as I'm not so sure what the results would be but so far so good I think. I just met her and a few of my friends last weekend and her skin look really healthy. But since going out with my boyfriend (He has really nice skin compared to mine!!), I've started using more natural stuff. His mother and sister's using Amway products (Really expensive!) and natural products like Himalaya so I prefer going to a beauty centre for facial treatment where they use natural ingredients. A friend of mine from Nokia's going to a beauty centre in Brickfield's where they have vegetable peel, gold eye treatment and they have a promotion for RM450 for 4 treatments. The beauty centre is called Ragini Beauty. Anyone ever heard about it?

My cousin and her swear on not using compact powder, and I think I'll stop using too. It's just that I have uneven skin tone and there's pimple marks... I need to cover those too... I've been reading about BB Cream and the reviews are good. I might get one to check if it suits my skin but according to users, there's alot of different brands outside for BB Cream. So far the easiest one to look for is Skin Food BB Cream. My cousin Jill's using it but she's got dry skin and the Skin Food BB Cream suits her as it is liquid base. However my skin's combination skin type and I easily breakout. What type of BB Cream brand should I use? Anyone have any idea? Maybe someone out there who's selling the cream?

What is BB Cream?

In recent years, South Korea had set off the waves of nude makeup.BB stands for Blemish Balm and it was developed for the purpose of protection, soothing and restoring skin so sensitive to deny any application of cosmetics because of its thinness and smarting.Going out after thinning skin makes ultra-violet ray irritate it thus this product contains make-up base and foundation function too to interdict ultra-violet ray and to eliminate need of other toning make-up.